No 48 Hingga Akhir Waktu

it was a very beautiful day. you took me a ride in your dad's old van. that place was breath-taking. it was beyond beautiful. as you put it, "the literal heaven on earth". the clouds were like marshmallows. the skies were azure. and the road we rode on in between the green paddy fields was almost like painting. i switched off the a/c and rolled down the window. i took out my hand and felt the wind against us on my palm.

you were singing our favorite song, singing along to the radio. i looked at you and you smiled at me. and as you mouthed the lyrics you looked at me again, meaning each and every word that you said. you took my right hand and squeezed it, like you were scared that i was letting go. but i wasn't. and i will not. not in that moment, where there were no words for me to write how wonderful it felt.

the road ahead of us were winding yet it looked like it still has a long way to go. i was thinking when we reached our home later, will you still sing me our song and squeeze my hand firmly? i was still smiling at you, and i prayed hard in my head that the road will never end and that we would not need to get out of this van.

today, as i rode on my own car on this road, the radio played our song. i looked on my left and see myself four years ago when each and every word of the lyric to our song you sang for me with such emotion that i need no questioning. the road did end. we reached our home. but today when i get home later, i'll get back to my own.


12th February, 2015. Padang, Indonesia.
Hingga Akhir Waktu by Nineball

No 47 Saddening

As i was examining her, it became clear. Her sad eyes, her sad body, her sad life.

When i left the bathroom i kept on thinking about her. She had totally fucked up. And it was really sad that i cant do anything to help her.

That sad girl in the mirror.

no 46 flaws

when i failed to notice that my flaws had taken over me, and when you said that all these flaws troubles you so much that you barely can tolerate against it, and eventually you gave up, that's when i realized i had already given up so much earlier than you.

i have never understood the meaning of the gift of being healthy until now that i know not being healthy is one of the reasons these hands you were holding, you let go.

no 45

they talk about marijuana most of the time, like how fast they got stoned with different types of weed, or the stupid things they did or said when they were high. all i could do was smile sincerely and laugh because it was really funny - really. then they asked me, "what about you?"

i said i cant really tolerate the feeling when the thing got into my system. i said how come you guys can get so wasted laughing shits and all because all i could feel is the serious headache. like somebody is pounding my head with a mortar except it's not the literal. i said i just felt really heavy and sleepy and my boyfriend said dont fall asleep because you'll get dizzier after that.

they asked me whether i fall asleep, i said no. because my boyfriend tried really hard not to make me sleep, he told me funny stories and played trippy songs so i could feel trippy. they said did your boyfriend not high that time, i said of course he did. he was with me.  they said wow if i was your boyfriend i would just let you get into your own head.

and then i said, "well clearly he's trying to protect me."

no 43 makan

"makan ajalah sakit yang ni", untuk kali yang dia sudah hilang kiraan, katanya dengan harapan method tradisionalnya ini akan berkesan untuk sogok diri sendiri, lagi.

dia tarik selimut pelan-pelan selubung batang badannya, dan acah konon seperti dalam drama Melayu --- yang patah hati itu tidur sendiri, menyeka air mata sendiri, dan sendiri-sendiri. kuat mana dia cuba alirkan air mata, pada hujungnya dia sedar air matanya sudah kering.

no 42 bad dreams

those mornings when you wake up from a very bad dream and realize your pillow is wet your cadar is wet and you quickly feel your eyes which are already wet and swollen and then you realize again that you were actually crying in your sleep as well as in your dream. 

those kind of mornings when you wake up from a very bad dream and you just lay there on your bed staring at the ceiling thinking what the actual fuck happen to your usual sweet dreams that you had a bad dream last night. trying to remember each and every detail of the dream, the storyline, the characters, and the events, and eventually feel the heartache over and over again.

those kind of mornings when you wake up from a very bad dream feeling very worried of the possibility of the dream to become real and quickly text him telling some of the events that scared you in the dream hoping he is already awake but waited for his reply because he has not wake up yet, and negative thoughts and a lot of 'what-if's raped your mind.

those kind of mornings. those kind of dreams. and how they could affect you in every possible ways.

no 41

and sometimes, i will wake up in the middle of the night, staring at the ceiling, and suddenly this fear come in (because i am scared of ghosts and darkness), paying attention to the sound of the fan blades, paying attention to the whole edge of the room, denying all illogical abrupt thoughts, checking what time is it on the phone screen, and there is you, on my wallpaper. with that big smile. 

if i call you in the middle of the night, just to ask for you to sing me some songs for my lullaby, just wanting you to accompany me because i am in a great fear, will you answer my call?

will you be there when i need you the most?

no 40 semoga

nak tau apa impian jenis khurafat yang aku ada? wujudnya reincarnation. sebab kalau boleh, aku nak minta, dilahirkan semula kalau tak jadi manusia, aku nak jadi lelaki. 

i hope only by then i know how does it feels to hurt a girl -- her feelings, her emotions and such, would it feels good? would it satisfy the inner masochist demon? would that make me a better boy? or should i say, would that make me much more an egoist? 

semoga selepas itu, aku akan jadi lelaki yang lebih baik.

no 39 masih

sampai sekarang, aku masih tak jumpa jalan untuk lari dari masalah.

di hujung jalan cerita, apa yang buat aku sama ada ketawa, terfikir atau teruja, adalah kenyataan yang mana rupanya, aku, yang selalu cari jalan untuk lari dari masalah. cuma cara  yang berbeza-beza. sampai kesudah, tujuan aku hanya untuk lari. 

lari. dan hilang.

no 38 bezanya

"I macam kenal perempuan yang kat gambar dalam wallet you oh" aku cakap kat dia, ada satu pagi tu, antara hari-hari Ahad yang pernah kami spend bersama. Muka terkejut habis, dia pandang aku dan dia tanya 'gambar mana?'. "Ada, gambar you dengan perempuan rambut panjang. Terselit celah-celah kad bank dengan resit".

Dan mata masing-masing tertumpu pada wallet yang sama. Bezanya, aku tak senyum dan dia seems speechless.

no 37 700 tahun

bulan ini bulan hantu . orang bilang roh orang yang sudah mati akan pulang ke rumah . aku tidak pasti kebenarannya jadi aku berjalan seorang diri ke terowong aku dan dia . tempat di mana tempat kami sering bertemu . tempat kami pertama kali bertemu . tempat kami pertama kali bersentuhan bibir . tempat kami mengumpul kebencian orang . tempat aku tidak mampu melindungi dia dan tempat dia hilang satu satu nya nyawa .

aku dengar ada orang panggil nama aku .

"wan"

aku toleh belakang . aku nampak ada satu sosok tubuh perempuan yang aku mungkin pernah lihat . tapi sosok tubuh itu jauh . wajah perempuan itu tidak jelas .

"wan"

suara itu berulang sekali lagi . aku pasti itu suara nya jadi aku pandang tepat pada satu kawasan di wajah perempuan itu . semakin lama wajah nya semakin kelihatan . dia semakin dekat dengan aku . aku kenal wajah ini . mata ini . hidung ini . bibir ini . wajah ini wajah dia .

"ananda?"

aku suara kan kerunsingan aku . dan wajah itu mengukir senyuman . senyuman yang telah lama aku nanti nanti kan untuk aku lihat kembali . senyuman yang paling manis dalam dunia . senyuman  yang menemani kala aku di maki ayah , kala aku tidak dihirau emak . senyuman yang memberi aku sokongan paling kuat untuk teruskan hidup yang macam tahi .

"wan,ini aku.ingat?"

"ya,aku ingat. tak pernah aku lupa. kau, aku rindu"

dan dia tersenyum .

"kau pulang betul betul kali ini?"

dia masih lagi tersenyum . dan dia terus hilang . seperti lalang ditiup angin . terbang dan entah kemana . aku terus berdiri tegak di situ . kaku . menunggu jawapan yang aku sendiri enggak pasti jawapannya .

bulan ini bulan hantu . orang bilang roh orang yang sudah mati akan pulang ke rumah . 

- Extasiey, 25 Jun 2010

no 36 ironi

ironiknya, pada hujung cerita masih ada unsur kecewa. sebab perkataan 'i love you' tak memungkinkan untuk setiap mimpi jadi kenyataan.

no 35 hollow

it feels weird to walk by my own now. because i don't know, it feels like it seems like forever i had been walking with a man beside me, i pampered myself, planting thought in my brain that this man will always walks beside me, hold my hand and just get through whatever, together, forever. now that's ironic because the word together and forever don't usually stick together, forever.


the first morning i woke up realizing nothing had changed. the sun still rises. the wind still blows. my eyes can still blink. just the sensation of something missing here, in my chest. it felt hollow. kosong. 


why? because this man is still a boy.

no 34 untitled

i was sipping the oolong tea i ordered approximately 6 minutes ago when i saw a really beautiful woman walked in the cafe. she was very pretty, wearing a lacey pastel pink dress, with a brown oxford shoes. her hair was slightly brownish, long and straight. she has that dolly typed of face. she carried along some thick books on her arms and she was alone, i assumed since she was, alone. 

i pretended that her beauty doesn't affect my focus towards my tea so i quickly sipped the tea back as if i was not looking at her since the first step she made in front of the door. but i know she knew i was looking at her. i think it was clearly written on my forehead that i was actually not looking. i was observing. she carved a warm smile to me and she went towards the table next to mine. she sat on the chair behind me and i absolutely lost a part of my senses to her sweet vanilla fragrance.

this woman really got me thinking: what is her name? what typed of perfume does she wears? is she originally has that straight hair? and questions kept listing. i added one tiny cube of sugar into my tea and i stirred it real slow. i heard the sound of her flipping the pages of one of those thick books and sometimes i heard her giggled. and then her cellphone rang.

i stirred my tea.

"hello?" 

her voice was so gentle.

"iya ini Ananda"

oh so she is an Indo, i told myself.

"iya. jadi wedding dressnya udah siap? ok saya ke sana. mungkin dalam 30 menit saya tiba lagian saya di Ampang ni sekalian mahu jemput fiancee saya. ok daa". and she hung up the call.

she packed her books and her things. she walked quickly passed me towards the door. she stepped out of the cafe and slowly her figure vanished from my sight.

i stopped stirring. her sweet smell still lingers.

no 33 plastik

baca blog Fynn Jamal dan Wany Ardy dah terus boleh mengarang puisi. sedangkan orang lain boleh bergerak tanpa rujukan. 

no 32 pagar

ok, bayangkan aku macam sebuah pagar rumah. yang ada dua side. yang kau perlu buka untuk masuk. tapi jangan bayangkan aku pagar automatik. bayangkan aku sebuah pagar manual. yang kau perlu tutup secara manual, kunci secara manual. 


dan bayangkan diri kau seorang anak kecil yang ibu kau larang dari keluar rumah tanpa dia. kerana apa ibu kau larang? kerana di luar banyak anjing liar. ibu risau anjing akan fikir kau sebagai makanan. jadi ibu larang kau keluar dari rumah.


dan bayangkan kau sangat-sangat ingin keluar. sangat-sangat nak main dekat playground yang betul-betul depan rumah. bayangkan aku pagar yang sangat patuh arahan tuan aku, ibu kau. aku larang kau keluar. aku keraskan diri aku. aku tak bagi kau keluar. tolong faham.


dan bayangkan kau berkali-kali, berhari-hari memaksa aku untuk buka diri aku bagi meloloskan diri kau. tapi kuat mana pun kau goncang aku, kuat mana pun kau tendang aku, aku tetap tak akan terbuka.


dan bayangkan suatu hari, kau paksa aku untuk buka diri aku. so kau boleh keluar. bayangkan, untuk sekian lama aku tahan diri aku dari sepak terajang kau, untuk membolehkan kau keluar, tapi kali ini aku rasa aku dah tak boleh tahan. 


jadi aku lepaskan kau keluar. 

- Marijuana, 2011

no 31 he had such quiet eyes

There was once a lady who made a wrong decision.

The day she laid her eyes on his was the kick start for her doomsday. She could never of such angelic posture especially those quiet eyes would eventually destroy her trust and hopes. To her, those quiet eyes were sad and sorrowful that rendered her to care.

When she met that man, he seemed to be Mr. Nice Guy. He handed over his hand with such a warm smile carved on his face. For a stranger who was so gentle like him, it was insolent for her to not shake his hand, she thought. She let this stranger to come into her life and be a part of it with never considering that this man might just want to have fun.

The days she spent with this man was full of magic, she said. She never felt this happy to ride a Mary-Go-Round. She never felt this full to eat beef burger and potato fries. She never felt this satisfied to solve a Sudoku puzzle. It was like magic. Once she thought if this man was a wizard. Another Harry Potter, perhaps. But he was not. He was just an ordinary man, with ordinary height, ordinary broad shoulders, ordinary hair but extraordinary eyes. As if those eyes were hallows.

Then the days turned to months then turned to a year.

This man thought she was a puppet. A Barbie he could toy with. It was a fool of her to surrender everything she had – body, mind and soul, to him. When she always convinced herself that this man is the man, she forgot who she really was. Who does she think she was? To predict the future like she had a clue. God doesn’t disclose His plans that easy, you know.

The man then changed his personality. From a Mr. Nice Guy to Mr. Bring-Her-Down and eventually to Mr. Liar. Ironically, those quiet eyes were devilish, with unspoken motive. She then realized that she was manipulated, deceived and ‘swindled’ when this man left without any hesitation or signs. This Alice realized she was not in Wonderland anymore. How can she be attracted to tuxedo-wearing rabbit that was actually a wolf?

And only then she knew that she should listen to the advices given to her. Now she lost in this ‘Monopoly game’, with all her property pawned without even her realizing. And to start from scratch was no harder than dying. What more can she say? Those quiet eyes, those diamond-embellished eyes… 

How grateful would she be if she could turn back time. 

*my article for SM Teknik Perdagangan school magazine

no 30 Wonderland

tiga tahun lepas, saya terlibat dalam satu kemalangan yang menyebabkan saya terlantar koma untuk lima bulan lamanya, seperti apa yang diberitahu oleh ibu saya. kata ibu, doktor sahkan otak saya mungkin tidak akan berfungsi pada satu masa yang dia sendiri tidak dapat nak pastikan sebab kecederaan pada otak saya sangat teruk. ibu tidak putus-putus harapan untuk saya bangun dari koma dan kembali sihat. 


sepanjang di dalam tempoh koma, saya ingat saya berada di suatu tempat yang langsung tidak pernah saya jejaki sebelum ini. tempatnya sangat cantik; bunga-bunga sentiasa berkembang, matahari sentiasa bersinar dengan redup, dan orang-orang di tempat itu pula sangat baik hati. mungkin ianya tidak jauh beza dari Disneyland. 


sewaktu kali pertama saya tiba di situ, sepasang budak-budak lelaki memimpin saya masuk ke tempat tersebut. budak-budak itu sangat gembira sambil bernyanyi-nyanyi kecil. saya dibawa ke sebuah rumah yang sangat besar dan berjumpa dengan sepasang lelaki dan perempuan yang saya kira, sepasang suami isteri. mereka mengucapkan selamat datang dan meraikan ketibaan saya dengan mengadakan jamuan yang disertai dengan ramai orang. mereka berpesta, menari-nari dan makan hidangan yang tidak habis-habis disediakan. 


setiap hari saya dilayan seperti seorang puteri raja, seorang orang penting di situ. mereka tidak pernah bertanya dari mana saya datang, siapa saya, apa nama saya. mereka hanya mengajak saya ke tempat-tempat yang saya sendiri tidak pernah bayangkan. mereka bawa saya ke sebuah istana yang penuh dengan gula-gula, coklat dan kek, ke sebuah taman yang dipenuhi dengan arnab-arnab putih, mereka bawa saya terbang di udara, menyelam ke dalam lautan dan pelbagai tempat yang kamu sentiasa hayalkan.


sewaktu saya sudah berasa selesa tinggal di tempat itu, tiba-tiba, satu hari satu halilintar yang sangat terang dengan bunyi dentuman yang sangat kuat menyambar di tempat itu. saya yang sedang bermain dengan budak-budak, terpaku. dan tiba-tiba satu suara yang sangat kuat bergema, "Alice, we are not in Wonderland anymore".


dan hebatnya kuasa Tuhan, mata saya yang sekian lama tertutup itu kembali terbuka.

no 29 hanya

hanya baru-baru ini aku tau
bahawa kamu bukan sesuatu pada aku
sesungguhnya kamu sebahagian.

- Extasiey, 18 Mac 2011

no 28 jakarta

realitas yang memungkingkan aku untuk tiba-tiba melahirkan beribu-ribu persoalan aku kira di hujungnya mulai meratah aku sedikit demi sedikit. jujurnya aku tidak lihat apa paksi yang memerlukan aku untuk bertanya itu dan ini. sebabnya, aku sendiri tak pasti dari sudut mana timbulnya tanya-tanya yang makin lama makin kuat apinya membakar sumbu-ingin-tahu aku. 


ironinya, aku bukan Rendra. aku bukan Samad. aku bukan Bibsy. tunjal lah aku dengan jutaan buah nama besar kepaknya maka dengan pasti aku gelengkan kepala. memang aku kerdil; 152sm dan 37kg. sungguh-sungguh aku kerdil. tangan yang kecil ini tak mampu menyokong tiang bumi. bahu yang kecil ini tak mampu menampung beratnya sakaratul maut. celaka. lemahnya aku.


aku tak percaya yang perjalanan aku masih jauh. aku langsung tidak pernah menyogok diri sendiri dengan fal-samp-ah yang kononnya 'kalau kau masih belum mencapai umur 20 makanya jalan hidup kau masih jauh'. sial, apa kau tau di R&R negeri mana Malaikat Maut sedang lepak minum kopi panas dan makan mi soto?


dan Jakarta ibarat seorang lelaki yang punya paras yang sangat sempurna. ibarat jatuh cinta pandang pertama. 


matikan aku di Jakarta.